Ho Ho!

How are you doing today – little Sammy Snerd? I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. Which would you prefer to hear first?

Okay – I’ll give it to you straight – the BAD news first. The bad news is that I won’t be doing the Christmas thing anymore. You know what I mean – driving my sleigh and reindeer all over creation to deliver toys (and ah – some lumps of coal) to all the good (and not so good) boys and girls. Have you been a good boy Sammy? Santa knows – if you’ve been good or bad. The reason I know is because I have tiny naco chip robots all over the world. They’re constantly updating my data log banks every minute. I’m using my brand new super duper plasma micro quantum computer to classify all my lists for the Big Day. Since I’ve downloaded the latest AI algorithms software programs, I don’t have to do any thinking about who’s naughty or nice anymore. Kool – don’t you think?

Also, I fired all my helpers! They were making to many demands for benefits. Now I have assembly line robots programed automatically, by my brand new super duper plasma quantum microcomputer to tell my robots what to do. I’m also planning on using my hyper drive time machine to do all my deliveries for the “BIG DAY”. Instead of driving my sleigh and all those smelly reindeer around, I can just set the dial to the time, date and location – push a button – and presto – I’m there! No more squeezing down sooty chimneys for me. Beats the old GPS every day. This brand new hyper drive time machine I gave myself last year, lets me take a six month vacation to the Caribbean every five minutes. I can do it every five minutes because when I get back from my vacation – I reset the time to only five minutes before I left.

Since I now have the time travel machine, I don’t need those smelly old reindeer anymore. So – I fired them too! Now everyday they just roam around the North Pole with nothing to do. You know that the North Pole is now a hot spot spa vacation destination because global warming has melted all the ice. The polar bears are bald now because their fur kept them too warm. I bet you think that it gets cold when the sun disappears over the horizon six months of the year – don’t you? Well, guess what? Since Nasa put into orbit a huge artificial sun reflector in stationary polar orbit last year – we have sunlight twenty-four seven. Kool!!!

I’m planning on going to Mars next week. I just need to tweek my hyper drive time machine a little more to get the full power out of it. We just finished building our new fifth generation super duper fusion cyclotron electricity generator power plant – right smack on the North Pole coordinates. It’s just humming along putting out a quillion trillion billion million thousand tri giga kilowatts of power.

Someday – when you grow up and become a man – you can come and visit me. You could play with my new virtual reality photographical holographic projection projector. It’s really KOOL! You just think about whatever toy you want – and it appears in a holographic image. You can manipulate it and play with it it was a rea toy, instead it’s a image of a virtual toy. I’m going get a patent on this VRRHPP (virtual reality holographic projection projector) next week. I expect that the price of the stock will be more valuable than Amazon, once people get wind of it. They probably will want to move the New York Stock Exchange up here to the North Pole. HO! HO!

My next project is going to be a great gift for all the good boys and girls (and for their Momma and Poppa too) – it’s going to be a metal beany type cap that you wear and you then can telecommunicate with anybody in the world (they also have to be wearing this metal beany cap too). Just take a minute and think about it????? You a won’t need a smartphone to text, tweet, instagram, or facebook anymore – you just telecommunicate whenever you want. You can have a zillion friends now.

My VRRHPP is working on something top secret! It’s setting up an algorithm to store everybody’s brain and personality into “the cloud”!!!!!! Ain’t that gonna be KOOL???? We’ll all just be drifting around in space. HO! HO! HO!

Sincerely,

The “Big Gut”